I know, I know, I haven't been on here in forever! And I am not even using this to write a letter to one of you, but to write about something that I haven't really written about. You see, you Andrew, have a little brother or sister in Heaven, and my sweet little Aaron, you have an older brother or sister in Heaven. I don't talk about it much, especially to you guys because you are much too young to understand. Someday you will, but for now, I just don't talk about it a lot. But I wanted to today. So, I will take a break from writing to the two of you (although I apparently have already done that...) and use this forum to write about a dear little one and remember a time that was hard, but also a time when God spoke to me through a two year old little Andrew. It was a pretty amazing thing indeed. I love you boys and hope to get back on here soon talking about ALL of the wonderful things you have done! :) I love you both so much!
Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was sick with yet another cold, so the day didn’t feel special to me in any way, just another day. Not that I didn't care, or didn't think about my loss, but I was busy with day to day life. I took care of the boys, played a little and laid on the couch and watched toy videos on YouTube with Andrew. Lol. :) Like I said, nothing special, but sweet and wonderful all the same.
After my boys had gone to bed and I had finished folding some laundry, I logged on Facebook to see what was going on in the world of my friends and family. My mother had posted a picture of a young Andrew looking too cute for words and I decided to stroll down memory lane and look at old pictures of my kiddos. I came across a post where I was thanking my mom for gifting me an audiobook (something only she would know to do :) ) because I "wasn’t feeling well.” It took me a minute, but I realized this was the beginning of my miscarriage even though I didn't know it yet.
When I went to the doctor five days later and was told I would probably lose my baby, I was in shock. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth and knew, just knew she had to be wrong. I realized then why the baby looked smaller than Andrew did at that same time in my pregnancy with him. Joe had taken off work to meet me there, so I had to drive home alone after hearing this news. Of course he volunteered to take me home, but I said no. I wasn’t 100% alone though, because I had Andrew with me. He was only two at the time and a very young two at that as he had celebrated his birthday only a couple of months before.
When I went to the doctor five days later and was told I would probably lose my baby, I was in shock. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth and knew, just knew she had to be wrong. I realized then why the baby looked smaller than Andrew did at that same time in my pregnancy with him. Joe had taken off work to meet me there, so I had to drive home alone after hearing this news. Of course he volunteered to take me home, but I said no. I wasn’t 100% alone though, because I had Andrew with me. He was only two at the time and a very young two at that as he had celebrated his birthday only a couple of months before.
When we finally got in the car and I shut the world out, I lost it. I cried and I cried as I started driving through the winding path of the parking garage. I can still picture where I was when I heard a little voice from the back seat say, “Trust me.” I was like, “What???” And he said it again. And again. Trust was not a word Andrew had said yet and one I am not even sure he had really heard other than maybe here or there. All of the sudden I realized that God was speaking to me. Through my two year old yes, but He was speaking to me. At that moment I felt so much peace wash over me, it was indescribable.
I prayed like crazy the next few days. I prayed God would let me keep my baby, that the bleeding would stop and he or she would be fine. Instead the bleeding got worse and when I went back to see the doctor she told me there was no heartbeat. I chose to let nature take its course and went through the hardest few days of my life. But I trusted God. I didn’t understand, but I trusted Him.
After it was over I had to decide how to let people know. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt so stupid that I had already let the world know via Facebook that I was pregnant. I struggled with how to tell everyone. Post it on Facebook? Pray the word would get around? Just not say anything at all? But the thing was, I wanted it done. I didn’t want someone to come up to me weeks or months later and ask how I was doing with my pregnancy. Was it a boy or girl? Were they kicking up a storm? So I chose to send group messages to a few ladies and ask they let others know. That was probably a bad idea, but like I said, I felt stupid and embarrassed. At the time it was the best way I knew how to handle a situation I didn’t really want to handle.
I don’t say all of this for you to feel sorry for me, but I say this because I know there are so, so many women who have gone through this and so much worse. And it shouldn’t be something that we hide or feel ashamed about. I had a sweet little baby for nine weeks and that was it. But I loved that little baby and it hurt more than I could ever imagine to lose them. I have had friends who have gone through much worse, and don’t dare place myself on their level, but my pain was real too, as is every mother and father's who has gone through this.
I lost a baby, but that baby gave me the gift of Aaron. :) And I cannot picture my life without him! He is spicy, but he is SUCH a joy!!! He brings even more light to my life and now our little family of four is complete. And someday, when this journey of life is over, we will be a little family of five. :) I do believe I will meet my little baby someday that gave me the gift of Aaron. Maybe we won’t actually be a family in the way we are here, but I do believe I will know them and will be able to hug them. :)
So if you have lost a child, I ache for you and morn with you. A loss is a loss, some may hurt worse than others, some may be more devastating, but we can all say it is something we wish no one had to go through. However, if we have faith and trust God, it will get better. If you are hurting and wondering why, maybe God is getting ready to give you an Aaron. :) Or some other little miracle. However God chooses to heal you, He will heal you. It will get better.
After I lost my little sweetie I bought a little box with a mother holding a child on it, wrote a note to my precious baby, and placed the only picture I had along with the note in the box. I read that note today and cried. And then I thanked God for that baby and for my little Aaron. And of course my sweet Andrew. God is good. And I cannot thank Him enough for the blessings of those two little boys sleeping soundly in their beds and the other one up in Heaven waiting to meet us. <3
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