Friday, October 16, 2015

Remembering My Loss and How God Used a Two Year Old to Speak to Me

Dearest Andrew and Aaron,
I know, I know,  I haven't been on here in forever!  And I am not even using this to write a letter to one of you, but to write about something that I haven't really written about.  You see, you Andrew, have a little brother or sister in Heaven, and my sweet little Aaron, you have an older brother or sister in Heaven.  I don't talk about it much, especially to you guys because you are much too young to understand.  Someday you will, but for now, I just don't talk about it a lot.  But I wanted to today.  So, I will take a break from writing to the two of you (although I apparently have already done that...) and use this forum to write about a dear little one and remember a time that was hard, but also a time when God spoke to me through a two year old little Andrew.  It was a pretty amazing thing indeed.  I love you boys and hope to get back on here soon talking about ALL of the wonderful things you have done! :)  I love you both so much!



Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was sick with yet another cold, so the day didn’t feel special to me in any way, just another day. Not that I didn't care, or didn't think about my loss, but I was busy with day to day life. I took care of the boys, played a little and laid on the couch and watched toy videos on YouTube with Andrew. Lol. :) Like I said, nothing special, but sweet and wonderful all the same.
After my boys had gone to bed and I had finished folding some laundry, I logged on Facebook to see what was going on in the world of my friends and family. My mother had posted a picture of a young Andrew looking too cute for words and I decided to stroll down memory lane and look at old pictures of my kiddos. I came across a post where I was thanking my mom for gifting me an audiobook (something only she would know to do :) ) because I "wasn’t feeling well.” It took me a minute, but I realized this was the beginning of my miscarriage even though I didn't know it yet.  
When I went to the doctor five days later and was told I would probably lose my baby, I was in shock. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth and knew, just knew she had to be wrong. I realized then why the baby looked smaller than Andrew did at that same time in my pregnancy with him. Joe had taken off work to meet me there, so I had to drive home alone after hearing this news. Of course he volunteered to take me home, but I said no. I wasn’t 100% alone though, because I had Andrew with me. He was only two at the time and a very young two at that as he had celebrated his birthday only a couple of months before.
When we finally got in the car and I shut the world out, I lost it. I cried and I cried as I started driving through the winding path of the parking garage. I can still picture where I was when I heard a little voice from the back seat say, “Trust me.” I was like, “What???” And he said it again. And again. Trust was not a word Andrew had said yet and one I am not even sure he had really heard other than maybe here or there. All of the sudden I realized that God was speaking to me. Through my two year old yes, but He was speaking to me. At that moment I felt so much peace wash over me, it was indescribable.
I prayed like crazy the next few days. I prayed God would let me keep my baby, that the bleeding would stop and he or she would be fine. Instead the bleeding got worse and when I went back to see the doctor she told me there was no heartbeat. I chose to let nature take its course and went through the hardest few days of my life. But I trusted God. I didn’t understand, but I trusted Him.
After it was over I had to decide how to let people know. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt so stupid that I had already let the world know via Facebook that I was pregnant. I struggled with how to tell everyone. Post it on Facebook? Pray the word would get around? Just not say anything at all? But the thing was, I wanted it done. I didn’t want someone to come up to me weeks or months later and ask how I was doing with my pregnancy. Was it a boy or girl? Were they kicking up a storm? So I chose to send group messages to a few ladies and ask they let others know. That was probably a bad idea, but like I said, I felt stupid and embarrassed. At the time it was the best way I knew how to handle a situation I didn’t really want to handle.
I don’t say all of this for you to feel sorry for me, but I say this because I know there are so, so many women who have gone through this and so much worse. And it shouldn’t be something that we hide or feel ashamed about. I had a sweet little baby for nine weeks and that was it. But I loved that little baby and it hurt more than I could ever imagine to lose them. I have had friends who have gone through much worse, and don’t dare place myself on their level, but my pain was real too, as is every mother and father's who has gone through this.
I lost a baby, but that baby gave me the gift of Aaron. :) And I cannot picture my life without him! He is spicy, but he is SUCH a joy!!! He brings even more light to my life and now our little family of four is complete. And someday, when this journey of life is over, we will be a little family of five. :) I do believe I will meet my little baby someday that gave me the gift of Aaron. Maybe we won’t actually be a family in the way we are here, but I do believe I will know them and will be able to hug them. :)
So if you have lost a child, I ache for you and morn with you. A loss is a loss, some may hurt worse than others, some may be more devastating, but we can all say it is something we wish no one had to go through. However, if we have faith and trust God, it will get better. If you are hurting and wondering why, maybe God is getting ready to give you an Aaron. :) Or some other little miracle. However God chooses to heal you, He will heal you. It will get better.
After I lost my little sweetie I bought a little box with a mother holding a child on it, wrote a note to my precious baby, and placed the only picture I had along with the note in the box. I read that note today and cried. And then I thanked God for that baby and for my little Aaron. And of course my sweet Andrew. God is good. And I cannot thank Him enough for the blessings of those two little boys sleeping soundly in their beds and the other one up in Heaven waiting to meet us. <3

Friday, May 8, 2015

Aaron, You Are Loved

Dearest Aaron,
Okay, I know I have said this before but I have to say it again, I am so very sorry.  When I started this blog, I blogged a lot more.  I had a monthly update full of every single thing Andrew did.  I feel such guilt that I blog very seldom now.  But please know you are just as loved, it's just life is so seriously busy.  Instead of blogging, we are playing and having fun! :) I upload lots of photos to Facebook through Instagram because it's super easy.  I tell your tales on there, but I just don't get to sit down to the computer all that much.  After you and Andrew go to bed, I am folding laundry, picking up toys, cleaning the kitchen, etc.  Life is busier now that there are two of you and I am constantly astounded the amount of laundry two little people can produce! :D Hehe.  One thing Andrew and I love to do is sit in the floor and play with you.  Andrew has as much fun playing with baby toys with you as he does playing with his trains.  Your brother loves you with all of his heart.  And then when Daddy comes home, you get all excited because you know he is going to carry you all over the house.  Daddy says you get excited because your "mule" is home.  Hehe.  That Daddy is sure a funny guy.  I love to snuggle you (when you let me), and make funny faces just to hear you laugh.  Our days are full, but they are full of such joy.  So the blogging is a lot less frequent, the baby book isn't as detailed, but we are busy making memories, and we are busy LOVING!  I hope you know how much you are loved.  Always.  You brought a completeness to this family I was longing for.  Sure Mommy, could have another five of you, but I have a feeling we will be a family of four.  And we are going to be the best family of four there ever will be! So, I am going to go so I can get some sleep and be ready for whatever adventures tomorrow has for us!  I love you my little buddy!


Aaron and the Bedtime Song

Dearest Aaron,
I have always sang to both you and your brother before bedtime.  The songs vary until I find the "one".  Andrew and I sing You Are My Sunshine and Jesus Loves Me before bed.  When it's your time, I gather you up, turn the lights down, give you your pacifier, and you lay down on me as I rock you and sing.  It's one of my very favorite times of the day.  Your song is, Make You Feel My Love.  I don't know or care who sang it first, but I just love that song.  I also sing Jesus At the Center by Israel Houghton.  I want you to hear about Jesus from day one because a relationship with Him is the most important one you will ever have.  However, when I sing the other one, I feel like I am singing to you from my heart.  The words are so very sweet and I mean them when I sing them.  You and your brother are the most precious gifts God has given me and I would protect you with all I have.  I love you both so much!  So, here are the words to the song that I sing you every night.  I love you more than you could ever know.  You bring me joy every single day with your bright, beautiful smile and a laugh that melts me into a big ol' pile of goo. <3 You are my sweet little buddy!  Thank you for bringing sunshine in my life.

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I will never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
And I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

To make you feel my love.


Monday, April 6, 2015

Andrew, Aaron, and the Cutest Easter Pics

Dearest Andrew and Aaron,
We had such a wonderful time celebrating Easter this year as always.  This was your first Easter Aaron so of course your Easter basket was filled with baby essentials. :)  One day soon it will have candy in it like Andrew's.  Hehe.  I did however put Gerber puffs in there which all of the sudden you love.  And baby food which you love too.  And Mr. Andrew, between the Easter egg hunt at church, the one at home, and the three Easter baskets you got, there was SO much candy!!!  Candy.  Everywhere.  I sent a large gallon bag to work with Daddy.  He even got tired of it and put it in the break room. :P  However, candy aside, it was a great day.  We had a wonderful time at church worshiping and praising God because He died for us, but then of course He rose again!  Praise the Lord!!!  Easter is one of my favorite holidays.  It's the beginning of spring, the weather is starting to warm up, but it's not hot, you spend time with family, there's honey kissed ham (yum!), and most importantly, we are reminded about what Jesus did for us.  For each one of us.  What a sacrifice!  What a gift!  What LOVE!  All and all, it was a wonderful day!  And Daddy and I took some pictures of you both in your adorable Easter outfits.  Boy were you both looking ADORABLE! <3 So here they are!  My sweet boys looking as sharp as ever!  I love you both SO very much!!! <3













Thursday, February 19, 2015

Aaron the Official Crawler!

Dearest Aaron,
Yay, yay, yaaaaaaay!!! You did it my little guy!  You did what you have been trying to do for a little while now.  I was sitting on the couch, watching you and Andrew, and BOOM! You were crawling towards me.  It was probably the one time I didn't have my camera ready! Lol! :P I filmed your second time though. :) And the third when Daddy got home of course.  He was so excited!!! Both videos included lots and lots of coaxing (you wouldn't crawl for just any ol' reason! :) ) and therefore were a bit lengthy.  Then after all the cheering, clapping, and pure excitement wore down, you simply took off crawling by yourself, no one really watching, well no one except Mommy.  And this time I was ready. It's just a short, sweet clip of you doing your thing! :)  I was so glad to get it on film!  That is the reason there is no clapping and cheering, not because no one cared (because OH how we did!), but because you had already crawled a few times.  So, here it is!  My sweet little boy crawling!  You did such a great job!!! <3 I love you my sweet boy!
 



Monday, February 16, 2015

Andrew, Aaron, and the Snow Day

Dearest Andrew and Aaron,
Today was a snow day.  Now, when you are older that will mean SO much more to you! :) Hehe.  That will mean no school which will become magical words you will be waiting to hear every year when winter rolls around. But for now it just meant playing outside and being lazy. :)  Daddy was home anyway since it was President's Day, so he got to play with you guys all day.  Andrew, you were SO thrilled to get to go outside and play in the "winter snow."  Your words.  Hehe!  What kid says, "I want to go play in the winter snow"?  A really cool kid with an amazing vocabulary, that's who!  I just love you little man!  Aaron, you and I stayed inside where it was warm and cozy and played, drooled (you not me :) ), and practiced our screeching (your new thing).  Oh and blew plenty of raspberries (your other new thing).  Here are just a few pictures I took of our fun, laid back day.

1. Andrew outside enjoying the snow.  This is where you spent a majority of the day.  Daddy bundled you up like you wouldn't believe!  There may have even been some sandwich baggies between layers of socks to keep feet warm and dry...  Oh my! Hehe!  That Daddy thinks of everything! :)
2. Aaron "chillaxin'" while enjoying some rice cereal and apples. :P
3. Andrew and Daddy's fort that was full of books and toys because as Andrew said, "A fort has to have books and toys!"  Indeed. :)
4. Aaron sitting up looking all cute!
5. An album I listened to that I loved as a kid!  I had to order the physical CD (gasp!) from eBay because there wasn't a digital copy to be found! I got it to share with the two of you hoping you will enjoy it as much as Mommy did.
6. Mommy and Aaron's "stripey selfie".  Because I mean, what else would you do when you realize you both have on stripes? ;)

So there is just a preview of what a fun day we had.  Aaron tried crawling again and was sooooo close, but not quite yet.  Daddy may have been trying to get you to crawl by driving a remote control Jeep around hoping you would follow...but I will neither confirm nor deny if that is true. :) Hehe.  I love you boys so much!


Sunday, February 15, 2015

Aaron and His Dedication

Dearest Aaron,
Today we had your dedication and it was such a lovely time!  All of your grandparents came and we had the best day!  I believe dedicating you to the Lord is such an important thing!  We promised to raise you the way He would want us to.  We promised we will be the best Mommy and Daddy we can be and that we will teach you what it means to be a Christian.  But even more than that, what it means to really love the Lord with all of your heart.  My prayer for you and your brother has always been that you will grow into fine young men who put God first in everything that you do.  If you do that, then you will have it made! :) I know life will throw you curve balls, but when it does, that is when you will find your relationship with him the most important and hopefully you will cling to that.  I love you so much and pray that you will enjoy this beautiful life God has given you!  Enjoy it to the fullest!
I want to leave you with the lyrics to the song that we played at your dedication.  We played Find Your Wings like we did at Andrew's, but that is because there is simply no better song that conveys what we want to tell you as you grow up.  I shared that song on Andrew's blog about his dedication, but we also played another song at yours that sums up how I felt the day you came into this world, and still do to this day.  I am so thankful you are here with me, with all of us.  You complete our family like I could never imagine!  You are my perfect, precious, sweet boy and I love you more than you could ever know!





Safe & Sound
Matthew West

Can't believe you're here now
Tiny dream come true
The answer to a prayer now
I'm so in love with you

Couldn't wait to meet you
Hope you like your name
I get the funny feeling
Life will never be the same

Safe & sound
You're here with me now
Like I hoped you'd be

Safe & sound
You're here with me now
And that's all I'll ever need

The world's a scary place here
But baby, it's alright
I'll make sure the coast is clear
So you can just sleep tight

But if you're afraid of monsters
Like everybody is
I'll be right beside you
Closer than a kiss

Safe & sound
I'm here with you now
And you will always be

Safe & sound
I'm here with you now
And that's all you'll ever need

Someday I'm gonna teach you
The reason why we pray
So that Heaven's love may reach you
Every single day

So baby, close your eyes now
And say a prayer with me
Lord, I lay me down to sleep now
But I know I will be

Safe & sound
You're here with us now
And we will always be

Safe & sound
You're here with us now
And that's all we'll ever, all we'll ever need
You're all we'll ever need